Posted By zac on June 20, 2009

Each individual who endures chemotherapy responds differently. And each of the four chemo drugs that I am on (Avastin, 5-FU, Leucovorin, and Eloxatin) has a juicy, long list of side effects. I understand that as the chemo treatments progress the side effects will worsen. But after this first treatment, I can safely assess how my body reacts to this cocktail of drugs.

The primary side-effects I have noticed are fatigue and loss of appetite. I have had some occasional nausea and headaches. It is hard to sleep when I have the fanny-pack pump connected since it vibrates and makes a noise every 30 seconds. It is only now, about three days after starting chemo, that I am starting to feel a little bit of energy. I have eaten about one meal a day for the past three days — today I hope to eat a little more. Another odd side-effect is the reaction in my mouth to cold drinks. Whenever I put something cold in my mouth, it feels like I am licking a nine-volt battery: electricity shoots throughout my mouth and teeth. When I put some foods in my mouth — I have yet to discover the pattern — my jaw tingles at the joints and I have difficulty swallowing. this all contributes to my lack of appetite and furstrates me since I love drinking cold milk and water. I have subsisted on room-temperature water and Gatorade for the past few days.

I’m happy that my father was able to be here for a few days during this first treatment. I am finding it hard to remember a lot about the past few days, but I know the kids enjoyed hanging out with him.

I have no way of knowing, of course, how the chemo is working on my cancer, but I hope and pray that it is doing a bigger number on the cancer than it is on my body. When I look at the prospect of eleven more iterations of this, I am overcome by agony. This genuinely sucks. But I have committed to my family, my doctor, and myself that I will do what I can to beat this. So: one down, eleven to go.

Category: Cancer | 3 Comments »
Tags: Cancer, chemotherapy

Posted By zac on June 19, 2009

But first, here are some cool gadgets you can buy for me:

• Outlet Wall — quite interesting

Here are my choices for the dumbest gadgets of the week:

• Dismembered Baby Doll Key Holder — gruesome
• Barbie Foosball Table — disturbing
• Ninja Salt & Pepper Set — may add flavor without you knowing
• Not Paper Picnic Plates — but they look like paper… huh?
• V8 Pencil Sharpener — how to get beat up at work
• USB Elephant — except none of my USB ports are vertical
• Bird Pie Plate Combo — odd way to bake, I say
• Babyglow — or you could buy a thermometer
• Pig Roundworm Paperweight — gross
• Hermann the Spatula — good clean fun indeed

Category: Top Ten Gadgets | No Comments »
Tags: gadgets

Posted By zac on June 16, 2009

The room is brightly lit with fluorescent lights and a wall of windows sits behind me. Outside the windows, I see a small decorative waterfall and flowers growing. The room is full of chairs that can best be described as the hospital version of recliners. Many of the seats are filled; a myriad of IV poles scatter throughout the room each with four to six bags of solution. There is an uncanny number of decorative angels perched on nearly every flat surface. There are also styrofoam busts of female heads with scarves atop them.

Many of the people are sleeping, some are reading while others seem to be simply staring into oblivion. I am the only one with a laptop. There are two bathrooms, free wifi, a snack area containing volunteer-given snacks, and plenty of room to walk around. Over time, the people leave one by one. My therapy seems to be lengthier than the others albeit less frequent.

I was given a seat up front; first-timers are seated up front for easier visibility and tracking. I was given some anti-nausea medicine and some Benadryl through my port. Then the chemo began. I get four bags of chemo drugs: three bags make up the FOLFOX routine and then there is the Avastin bag. I also get some FOLFOX to take home with me in a pump/fanny-pack combo.

All in all this process is not too bad. It is just a little boring. And I am on the cusp of napping. It is a little agonizing to think I have to come back eleven more times. But I will. And I hope that my relationships with the nurses and other patients can be one where I am continually being helpful to them.

And now I am really tired…

Category: Cancer | 10 Comments »
Tags: Cancer, chemotherapy

Posted By zac on June 15, 2009

—WARNING: this may contain some hard-to-read honesty—

I am sick of cancer. I am really sick of having cancer. Here are some specifics:

• I am sick of the residual pain from my surgeries
• I am sick of the consistent pain all over my body
• I am sick of looking ahead to chemotherapy
• I am sick of constantly thinking about death
• I am sick of not being able to wrestle with my kids
• I am sick of being tired all the time
• I am sick of not being able to do things around the house
• I am sick of not feeling very productive at work
• I am sick of naps
• I am sick of trying to be upbeat and positive all the time
• I am sick of not having enough money to pay for all these bills
• I am sick of planning things that very well may be beyond my lifespan
• I am sick of not knowing what to pray for anymore
• I am sick of losing weight
• I am sick of dwelling on all the screw-ups I have accomplished in my life
• I am sick of feeling like I repeatedly mess up the time I have with my wife and kids
• I am sick of reading about cancer and chemo on the Internet
• I am sick of not knowing the purpose in all of this
• I am sick of wanting to finish well and wondering if that is even possible

—BUT—

Every day is another day that I am alive. And I continue to believe there is a purpose. I also remain convinced that it is better to finish well than it is to squander that time away. In fact, the length of our earthly labor may not correspond to heavenly reward.

To wit: Check out the parable of the laborers in the vineyard in Matthew 20. Five groups of workers began work at different times of the day and yet all received the same payment. The ones who had worked the longest complain and the master answers, “Take what belongs to you and go. I choose to give this last worker as I give to you. Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?” Then Jesus continues, “So the last will be first, and the first last.”

While I may be sick of having cancer, I wil press on, continuing to seek the purpose and desiring to finish well.

Category: Cancer | 7 Comments »
Tags: Cancer, matthew

Posted By zac on June 14, 2009

We are commanded by Jesus to “make disciples” and also to “teach them” in the passage known as the Great Commission — Matthew 28:19-20. This means everyone who believes in Jesus should share that belief: We should proselytize, or evangelize.

What, then, do we make of these two following passages?

Luke 21:14-15 — Settle it therefore in your minds not to meditate beforehand how to answer, for I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which none of your adversaries will be able to withstand or contradict.

1 Peter 3:14-15 — But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them nor be troubled, but in your hearts regard Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you.

Are we to be prepared, or not?

Is it possible for both of these statements to be true? If so, then it seems we should find a balance. A careful reading will show that these two statements are not contradictory. Both passages are in the context of being persecuted for our beliefs. The passage in 1 Peter tells us to make a defense to anyone who asks for a reason for our hope while the passage in Luke deals with general persecution and criticism. It seems to me that we can decide ahead of time that whenever anyone asks us for the reason for our hope, we can have the answer, “Jesus,” ready. But when we are criticized or persecuted for our beliefs we can rest on God to provide us an answer at that time.

I have been afforded a great opportunity in having cancer to share my beliefs. Everyone I meet who discovers I have cancer is instantly ready to listen to whatever I say. So are the hundreds of other people who communicate with me through Twitter, Facebook and my blog. The cool thing is that since I have cancer, there is less debating and more recognition than there was before. People do not pick fights with me as much anymore — they just listen. So when someone asks me about my hope, I can easily say the answer I have prepared in my heart weeks ago: “Jesus is my hope.” But when I do get into a situation of persecution or criticism for my beliefs, I find it is best to walk in leaning completely on God to provide the rebuttal needed, if any.

Category: Cancer, Weekly Jib Jab | 1 Comment »
Tags: 1 peter, Cancer, evangelization, luke, matthew

Posted By zac on June 12, 2009

But first, here are some cool gadgets you can buy for me:

• Husqvarna Electric Mower — fantastic!
• Transformers Robots In Disguise TShirt — this is funny
• Death Star Grill — I like my current grill much better, but this is quite creative

Here are my choices for the dumbest gadgets of the week:

• Clipboard Mirror — form collides into function
• Lobster Vending Machine — thanks to my friend Matt Wilkerson for this beauty
• USB Microwave — this seems highly dangerous
• Fingers Door Protector — a cheap way to uglify your car
• Metal Detector Sandals — for the lazy beachcomber
• 40-Second Toothbrush — this is going nowhere near my mouth
• Jabba the Hut Costume — truly terrifying
• Clip-On USB Pig Fan — features strong blowing and low power consumption
• Singing Chip Bowl — I will leave your party if you have this
• Polonium Oxygen Phosphorus Mousepad — quite ingenious

Category: Top Ten Gadgets | No Comments »
Tags: gadgets

Posted By zac on June 9, 2009

In preparation for my first chemotherapy treatment in one week, I went under the knife again this morning. The purpose was to insert a port in me. The port is a device that is inserted under the skin just below the collar bone. The tube attached to it was fed into my jugular vein. When it comes time to inject me with my chemo drugs, they will now be able to pop through my skin and use this device which will provide a more efficient method of delivery while protecting my skin and muscle tissue from the toxic drugs. This was an outpatient surgery — I was in the hospital about three-and-a-half hours.

I now have a two- or three-inch scar beneath my clavicle and a much smaller scar on my neck atop my jugular vein. I am quite sore. I find it difficult to swallow and the use of my right shoulder and arm seem restricted. This is all temporary, though; I expect to be at work tomorrow.

I appreciate all the prayers and encouragement I have received. The reality is that the worse is yet to come. Since each individual reacts to chemotherapy differently, I have no idea what to expect and this causes some nervousness. My nervousness need not turn into worry or sin, though. According to what I know now, I will begin chemotherapy next Tuesday and continue in it through the end of November. That is a long road, but one that is most certainly navigable.

Luke 12:48 — Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required.

1 Corinthians 10:13 — No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Category: Cancer | 2 Comments »
Tags: 1 corinthians, Cancer, chemotherapy, luke, port, scar, surgery

Posted By zac on June 7, 2009

I read through this passage and camped out on the penultimate sentence.

Mark 12:28-34 — And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, “Which commandment is the most important of all?” Jesus answered, “The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” And the scribe said to him, “You are right, Teacher. You have truly said that he is one, and there is no other besides him. And to love him with all the heart and with all the understanding and with all the strength and to love one’s neighbor as oneself, is much more than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” And when Jesus saw that he answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And after that no one dared to ask him any more questions.

Jesus tells the scribe, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.”

It seems to me that understanding and knowing some basic principles about God are key. It is important to understand that there is only one God. It is also important to know that we are to love God with everything we have. And the manifestation of that love is best described in how we love our neighbors. But even as we understand and know all three of those things we are then considered “not far from the kingdom.”

But, of course, we do not want to be close to the kingdom — we want to be IN the kingdom. And here another passage brings light:

John 3:16 — For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

It is the receipt of the free gift of God — His Son, Jesus — that gives us entrance into the kingdom. It is then that we can fully love God with all of our heart, all of our soul, all of our mind and all of our strength. It is then that we can fully love our neighbors as ourselves. And we are no longer “not far from the kingdom of God” but rather in the kingdom. Sweet victory.

Category: Weekly Jib Jab | No Comments »
Tags: Jesus, john, Kingdom, mark