Yesterday was Zac’s 34th birthday. The Sunday before that was our 12th wedding anniversary. I knew going into the month of September would be tough. I knew it would take everything I had, everything I could complete and totally reliance on God, to do this month and do it successfully. The day of his birth arrived and as we were driving to school in the morning Lizzy said, “do you know what day it is, it’s Dad’s birthday” They were so happy, saying things like, “I can’t believe he is turning 34″ “What should we do for him today” Can I just stop and tell you all how happy I am that they still talk about him in the present tense? “He is turning 34″… I love it. I suppose I do the same thing, on Sunday when it was our anniversary…I totally counted it. 12 years! That is a long time, you bet I count it.
I wonder how this works, will he always be in the present tense to us? I sure hope so. I can’t say that I feel him here with me physically or that I know he is watching over me from Heaven (may the sparks of controversy start now) but what I do know is this: every morning when I wake up and look into the eyes of my children, he is right there. When I hear Jake yell at a call on a football game, while sitting in his Dad’s chair, he is right there. When Luke gets that bright twinkle in his light blue eyes (which are exactly Zac’s color), he is right there. When Lizzy is methodically contemplating life and wrapping her brain around a tough issue, while wearing his beanie cap, he is right there. When I am in the safe car, that he bought for me. Driving out of the driveway of the house that he provided. Going to the job I love, that he worked at first. Seeing the friends, that he introduced me to. Then picking up the kids, that he helped me create…I know with all of my heart that he is right there.