Trusting God & Chemo
So I am back in the chemo ward. I am now doing a maintenance regimen to keep the tumors on my liver dormant. That involves a similar strategy as before: Leucovorin and 5FU given once a day for five days straight; repeat every month. The purpose of this is simply for the liver and has nothing to do with the growing problem in my abdomen.
The abdomen, unfortunately, is getting worse. The pain continues to increase and I can feel the concrete-like cancerous mesh as it expands. The only medical treatment for that is a complex de-bulking surgery combined with a brutal injection of hot chemotherapy drugs into the abdomen. That treatment, though, is not an option for me due to the state of my liver. There is no other chemo option for the abdomen. There is no real treatment except to take a variety of pain pills to deal with the pain. Needless to say, I am discouraged about that.
I am discouraged to be sitting in the chemo ward taking drugs that can not and will not make this all better, but rather are just a band-aid. And yet here I sit. I struggled with this decision. But I begged God for clarity and He gave it to me. He told me that this is what I should be doing right now.
The pain in my abdomen is very high. The disdain for chemo is very high. But my trust in God is very high. So even though it doesn’t make logical sense to me why I should be doing this, I do it out of obedience and trust.
No trite words this morning, Zac….only the truth that He never leaves nor forsakes us. That kind of gut obedience you are operating in is God’s way sometimes even though we don’t have the insight always to understand it. We are praying for you in Quito…..for Mandy, the kiddos and your folks. Much love and blessing and a dose of supernatural, “AGUANTAR bajo prueba”!
Zac, I am stumbling over my words for you. If anything I hope you know you are in my prayers..
I’m sorry that I don’t have anything profound to say. My heart aches so much for you and I hate that you and your family are having to go through this. You’re a wonderful, godly man who is loved by so many…including me
I’m sorry, cousin. I’m sorry. -oj
Standing with you as you obey and trust the loving God who created your inmost being. Praying for you and your family as you bear the pain together. Abrazos.
I’m so sorry for your suferring, Zac. I can’t imagine enduring that level of pain and discomfort. I am praying for “concrete masses” to melt away and disappear.
Stunned.
I’m with jnonfiction on this one.
Ugh, Z. It’s got to be nearly impossible to walk into that chemo ward every day – it takes someone of steely nerves to keep fighting on whatever front line you can hold in all of this.
I’m sure we all wish like crazy that we could take on some of your pain for you and dilute it into nothing. As it stands, it’s nothing short of amazing to witness your resilience. We’ll keep hope and stand by in awe as you play this rotten hand you’ve been dealt. (Let’s see, I’ve used a war cliche and now a poker one – what other trite comparison can I dredge up before this post is through? The Force is strong in you? (It is, of course.)).
You have my heart and my most profound respect.
This is one of the most difficult trials I have personally watched or have heard of anyone go through. Here are a few quotes from one of my favorites, Watchman Nee and each one seems to apply to your walk: “Spiritual advancement is measured by faithful obedience.”, “The obedience of the Christian to God ought to be unconditional.”, “It is a great thing when I discover I am no longer my own but His.”, “The right attitude is this: that I have my own will, yet I will the will of God.”,”God gives His Own Self totally to us that we may offer ourselves completely to Him.” and finally “To keep our hand on the plow while wiping away our tears — THAT is Christianity!” “To keep our hand on the plow while wiping away our tears — THAT is Christianity!”
May the Lord, Your God, cause His face to shine on you. I am a missionary mother with sons your age. One of many whom you do not know, but who are praying for you and for yours.
One of the most powerful books that I have read lately is by Brennan Manning…in it he says this:
“A graphic description of the dark night of Jesus Christ…No human mind will ever comprehend the depths of desolation,, the indescribable loneliness, the utter abandonment that lay behind Jesus’ cry, “Eloi Eloi, lama sabachthani?” My god, My God, why have you forsaken me?” The cross is both the symbol of our salvation and the pattern of our lives. Everything that happened to Christ in some way happens to us. When darkness envelops us and we are deaf to everything except the shriek of our own pain, it helps to know that the Father is tracing in us the image of his son, that the Signature of Jesus is being stamped on our souls.” (from Signature of Jesus)
The mind of Christ and the heart of God will always be with us, even when we suffer the most….and so are ours.
Zac, you and your family are in our prayers.
Zac, Thank you for your openness in sharing your suffering. I pray for you often.
Zachary, Please know that even though we have spoken for years, our love for you and our prayers for you and your family are ongoing. With your permission, I am planning on reading this post as part of my message this Sunday. That you for your example of obedience and trust.