As I sit in the chemo ward slowly getting poisoned, I am reflecting on something I read yesterday. We can all find things that are bothersome about this life. Having cancer is pretty bothersome to me. Chemotherapy is, too. But just about the time I started feeling bad for myself, God told me to look around.

I see so many people that are much worse than I am. There are people in wheelchairs — they cannot walk. There are a dozen or so oxygen tanks attached to people. Some people have no hair. One guy has apparently just had a tracheotomy. Every week I see pain in others. Sometimes I see tears. I hear coughs that sound distinctly inhuman. I overhead one lady say she has to come here for treatment every other week for the rest of her life. There are a lot of people in my immediate vicinity that will probably die before me.

I also thought about the cost of our medicines. I used to loathe Eloxatin the most, but now I am learning to loathe Avastin as well. You see, Eloxatin is the drug that gives me the nasty neuropathy — I cannot drink cold liquids, I experience near-unbearable pain when eating, and I lose sensation in my fingers. Avastin, though, is now taking a toll — I have bloody noses at least once a day (usually in the shower) and have itchy hives all over my body (and I mean all over) for a couple of days. While I loathe these medicines, I appreciate that they are allegedly doing what they are supposed to — but at an incredible cost. The cost is not just physical, but also financial. My treatment every other week costs just under $20,000. (That means almost a quarter million dollars for chemo by the end of the year.) I happen to have a great benefit plan, but certainly some of those around me do not.

So, as I reflect on the bothersome nature of all this, I am so grateful to God for providing just what I need. And my heart is broken for those around me. Some of these people are suffering so much more than I am. Some are probably incurring massive debt to pay for their treatment. Some certainly may not have the hope that I have in God. (You should really read that post by Piper.) Some may not see a purpose in all of this, like I do. Thank you, God.

Tags: Cancer, chemotherapy

This entry was posted by zac on Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 at 11:02 am and is filed under Cancer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.