Regardless of what you think may or may not happen when you die, it seems we can all agree that none of us has a choice in knowing when we die. Whether or not you believe in God or some sort of after-life does not affect this unknown. In fact, it is this unknown that we fear. I would venture to say that most people are not afraid of dying so much as they are afraid of the unknown time, place or manner of their death.

To wit: if you knew the exact time and manner of your death and it was, say, forty years from now, would you be afraid to go skydiving this afternoon? Would your fear of flying or your fear of natrual disasters vanish? Would you not be more bold in how you lived?

Similarly, many people are not so afraid of death as they are afraid of the unknown after-effects of death. What will happen when I die? Is there an after-life? Is there some sort of heaven? Is Hell real? If, like above, you knew what would happen to you after you died, would that not affect how you lived your life until then?

I just spent a lot of time in a hospital bed thinking about this very thing. Now, I am at home in my own bed, but my thoughts remain on this topic. I have no idea when my death will actually be, but because I now have cancer it seems more imminent. But I know (I believe, through faith) what will happen to me when I die.

I believe there is a God in Heaven and He is ultimately holy, good, and powerful. His ultimate holiness means that I, because of sin, will never be allowed in His presence (nor will you, nor will anyone else). His ultimate goodness means that He came up with a plan to modify that: He gave His own Son, Jesus. Now we can be in His presence if we believe that Jesus is the only way to get there. His ultimate power means that He is able to make this happen. If all of this is true, then when I die, I will be ushered into the presence of the Creator of the universe simply because I have put my faith in this simple concept: Because God loves me, Jesus died in my place and rose again, conquering sin and death and because of my belief in Him, I will live forever in Heaven. (I have also thought, “What if I am wrong?” This, I will address another day.)

So it really does not matter when I die — it could be this summer or it could be in forty years. Because I know what will happen to me when I die, I can then live differently until then. I can think of three things that this process of having cancer has meant for me and how I live the rest of my life, spawned by this verse in the Bible:

2 Corinthians 3:12 — Since we have such a hope, we are very bold.

First, I am not ashamed to obey God. This precludes the obvious fact that I am not ashamed to know God nor to admit my belief in Him. I believe in the God of the Bible and I believe He desires, more than anything else, a relationship with His creation. This relationship is a two-way dialogue between Him and each one of us. In my relationship with Him over the years, we have struggled with the idea of His will and what He wants next from me. I am feeling much bolder in this regard. I tell you this: if God asks me to do anything, I will most certainly obey Him regardless of the cost, the distance, or the [apparent] complication.

Second, I am not ashamed to say what I think. I am not usually one to be soft-spoken nor am I one to hold my tongue often. But I have sensed a liberty in my life that I will speak forth that which I am convicted of. This is, again, not a new found freedom so much as it is an expansion of an already existing freedom. I am confident and comfortable with what I believe and I will gladly and perhaps more brazenly speak my mind.

Third, I am not ashamed to be me. Again, I have very rarely offered an apology for who I am, but this feeling has expanded in the past week. I am proud to be a contrarian, a perfectionist and slightly obsessive/compulsive. I feel no remorse for being a private individual. I am happy to favor my wife and my three kids over any other humans on earth. I am grateful I get to cultivate leadership and spend much of my time with some truly amazing people at work. This means that I am going to continue focusing less on changing who I am and more on figuring out how to make better use of who I am, as I am wired.

These three things are quite freeing. I am excited about however much life I have left on this earth. It suddenly seems not to matter too much how much time there is left. My desire is obviously for more time over less time, but these three liberties have combined into one giant liberty that has engulfed me in freedom: do not be ashamed. I am going to lean on God — listening and obeying — and trust that the outcome is exactly what He wants.

Tags: Cancer

This entry was posted by zac on Thursday, May 21st, 2009 at 8:53 am and is filed under Cancer. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.